Lessons We Choose

I strongly believe that there are no such things as accidents or coincidences. There is always a reason for everything. Even random events are not really that random. The universe has a way to make things work out one way or the other.

If we have the awareness that everything happens for a reason, then even tragedies and misfortune would have a purpose. Is it because we choose them? Or is it karma?

What I know is that we have all the tools and resources necessary to deal with any given situation. We are also given very clear signs of what to do.

I remember talking with Don Miguel Ruiz about my conflict with Victor Alfieri. Miguel asked me, "when did you know?" I replied, "when did I know what?" Looking at me with compassionate eyes, he said again, "when did you know?"

Now I understand that we always know when something goes against our integrity and our true self. We then fail to acknowledge it and simply ignore it. My relationship with Victor was not all bad, of course. I was very happy with him. There were a couple of situations, however, when I knew something was off and I chose to go against my own integrity. I chose to ignore that feeling in my gut, that warning.

I have been dealing with a more recent situation that illustrates this same issue. I have a terrible relationship with my current roommate. Fortunately she is in the process of moving out and we can both go our separate ways. I will not go into details on who said what or did what; who is right and who is wrong.

I did not choose her to be my roommate. What happened is that my previous roommate needed to move out immediately and find someone to take over his part of the lease. I wanted to help him out. He is a wonderful person. So I agreed to take her in when my gut... actually my whole body was telling me that I should not do so.  I sensed the most negative energy emanating from her, not to mention her very different lifestyle and hygiene habits.

I thought that I could still get along with her. I swallowed my words and buried my feelings. I tried to live in peace. She would start fights just because I asked her to clean her mess. If I cleaned her mess, she would yell at me for doing so. After living with me almost 9 months, she has NEVER cleaned the kitchen or common areas. She has left rotten food in the fridge for months until I take it out. I have had to do all the cleaning myself.

And this issue with cleanliness is the smallest of all issues. There have been issues with utility bills not paid by her in months, guests, noise (she forbids people to talk in the living room), use of my personal things, etc, etc.

The situation is so horrible now that we cannot be in each other's presence without feeling like we are in a battle. I am aware that I am not particularly nice to her. I have bottled my frustrations for so long that now they cannot be contained anymore. I see myself acting like this and it truly saddens me. I don't like to be this way to anyone.

So what can be done about this??? Fortunately she will be moving out very soon. This terrible nightmare will end with her departure. But I cannot help but wonder, "could I have avoided this?" This experience has taught me a very valuable lesson:  To listen to my heart and my body as they react to a person, situation or place. Those are very strong indicators and guides on how to deal with them.  If I feel anger, frustration, tension, uneasiness, it is probably because I should stay away from that person, place or situation. I am talking about experiencing these emotions/feelings without any apparent trigger or cause - when I feel them for no reason, no reason at all.

We could apply this principle to when the opposite is experienced - joy, excitement, freedom.... then we know that this positive energy we experience from being around that person(s), situation or place is a clear sign that spending time and being around them would have a beneficial impact in our life.

So should we only choose the pleasant, cheerful, positive, joyful???  For the most part, I believe we should. There are other situations that are out of our control and that are not as pleasant. Having those challenging experiences are a great way toward our personal and spiritual growth. The wisdom comes in differentiating what I choose freely to keep in my life and what I have indirectly chosen as a lesson to  learn.

What is clear to me is that I always have a choice when facing any situation. There is always a door - a way out. We are never helpless victims. We decide how long we stay and when it's time to leave.

Dealing with Inevitable Loss

(La traducción en español se puede leer más abajo)

I landed at LAX last Saturday at 10:20 am after 2 weeks of work in the Midwest - Iowa and Minnesota. I had missed my connecting flight the previous night because of mechanical problems with the first aircraft. I was anxious to get home so I could finally rest. I was also looking forward to sitting by the pool to continue writing my book.

As I was waiting for a friend to pick me up, I received a call from my sister Karla in Mexico. I had talked to her the day before. We generally only talk a couple of times a week... and I am the one who calls her.  The first thing I thought was - "What's wrong with dad?"

She told me that dad had been taken to the Intensive Care Unit, that his lungs, liver and kidneys had failed.  Karla said with a soothing voice, "don't stress out, be calm." I asked her, "Should I fly immediately?" To what she responded, "yes, if you want to see him alive." I became numb and then started to cry... Then I said as I choked in tears, "I am flying there tonight or first thing tomorrow morning."

I immediately called my older sister in Canada. She has not visited my mom and dad in six years. I got her voice mail - "Dad is dying. You need to fly to Mexico. Call me right away."

I tried to book a flight over the phone while my friend Christine drove me home. The tickets were extremely expensive and I was told that there were no "special" rates for this type of family emergencies. I was determined to find a flight for that same day or early the following day.

I surprisingly found a ticket at a decent price for the following day. I would arrive at 8:40 pm in Monterrey, Mexico. I was just hoping that my dad would hang in there until I could make it to Mexico... to the hospital.

I posted a message on facebook requesting my friends to pray so my dad would wait for my arrival. I wanted the chance to say good-bye. Just a couple of hours later my sister called me to tell me that a miracle had just happened, my dad's lungs were working again and his condition had stabilized. I cried tears of joy. I knew that the prayers had been heard. He was waiting for me.

I went to the hospital the same night of my arrival on Sunday. I was not allowed to see him as visiting hours in the Intensive Care Unit were only at 11 am and 5 pm, for 15 minutes each visit. I had a chance to see him and hold his hand on Monday at 11 am.  I noticed that he looked peaceful and his breathing was easy and relaxed. My mom went in to see him with me. She was so sweet. I could see so much compassion in her eyes.

That same day at 5 pm, I went back to see him. I could see that his heart beat was irregular and his breathing was not as easy. I did not want to be negative but I could tell that he was not improving. I sensed that he was struggling to stay alive.

Today at 11 am, I went into his room to see him again. I went in with Tita, a health provider who had been taking care of my dad at a nursing home for the last 2 years. She told me that she had snuck out of work so she could come visit my dad. She was telling me that she never wanted this to happen to my father, that she took care of my dad the best way she could. I told her that I knew how much she loved my dad and if my dad's health deteriorated it was not her fault. I added, "he's an old man." She started crying and replied, "it does not matter that he's an old man. I don't want him to be like this." It was so touching to see her as she caressed his forehead and tried to get him to wake up.

What was very interesting is that although he was out and seemed unconscious, he was reacting to our words and our touch. As I was touching his left arm and hand, I gently said to him, "daddy, don't struggle anymore. Rest. It's time to rest now. It's ok... just rest now. We love you." As we were talking to him and caressing his arms and forehead, his heart beat would reach high peaks and his breathing would accelerate. The alarm started to go off but no nurse came to the room... He then became relatively stable when it was time for us to leave.

Just 2.5 hours later, his struggle to stay alive ended. He passed away at 1:47 pm. The doctor came to the waiting room where I was alone. He said, "Jesus Trevino's family??" I sprung up from my chair and said, "I am his daughter." He gave me the sad news and told me that they did everything they could to keep him alive. They could simply not save him. Tears started to roll down my face. My hands started to shake and I panicked, as I was alone and no relatives or friends were with me.

I started to frantically call my mom and my sister Karla - nobody picked up - busy signal or voicemail. The doctor was standing there giving me instructions on what documents were needed to process the death certificate. I finally was able to get ahold of my mom. She sounded devastated as I was giving her the bad news.

I asked mom to gather the necessary documents and come to the hospital right away. I told her not to worry about calling my sisters or any relatives - I would do it.  Little did I know that it would take me more than ten long minutes to get through by telephone.

The doctor told me I could come to the room and see my dad. I saw my poor dad in that bed not moving or breathing anymore. I could not control my crying. I could feel a profound pain and sorrow, especially because I was facing his death completely alone. I rested my head on his lap as I cried uncontrollably. I tried to call my sister Karla and her husband at least 20 times and could not get through.

I called my sister in Canada on her cell phone. She picked up right away.  Her response shocked me completely. "Dad just passed." To what she replied, "Uh... really?" I was crying as I was telling her. She then added, "I am at work, you know?" As if she did not want to get bothered. I could not believe her reaction. I said -"And work is more important to you?" She was quiet. I was still crying - "I just wanted to inform you that your father has just passed away." I hung up.

This phone conversation affected me so much that as soon as I hung up with her I lost it and could not breathe from crying so much. What is wrong with this picture??? My dad dies and I am the only one here next to him? My sister in Canada will not fly to be with us in this difficult time???? When I finally got ahold of my sister Karla, she and her husband rushed to the hospital and made it there in 15 minutes (half the time it would normally take them). She later told me that she wanted to make it to the hospital immediately because she was so worried about me.

My sister Karla is such an amazing person. She's the strongest most self-sufficient woman I know. She can take care of ANYTHING. She has become the head of the family. I don't know what we would do without her. I love her so much!

My beautiful niece Catalina rushed there too as soon as I called her. My mom was brought to the hospital by one of her best friends. I am so grateful for the love and generosity of so many people around us. We have received so many calls and email/facebook messages from people extending their condolences and support.  I feel so much love and gratitude.

The doctor said to me, "he came here very ill. The infection he had was out control. His brief improvement was a true miracle... it was as if he was waiting for his relatives to make it to the hospital." I know my daddy waited for me. He knew I wanted to be with him during this transition.

I now understand why these experiences are life transforming. It takes an experience like this to truly appreciate life at its fullest. We all come to this world for just a little time. Life is short.... it really is. Death is inevitable..  the transition to the spiritual realm is also inevitable. I know that my dad is in a much better place now where he does not need his physical body anymore. His soul is intact and his spirit will be with us FOREVER.

Jesús Treviño Faz - my wonderful father

And as his obituary states, you have left us, "Having had the opportunity to experience the dream of life on this earth...."  Daddy, I say good-bye to your physical body... And I will forever carry your spirit in my heart.

-----

UPDATE -
On Thursday, June 13, 2013, my mother received the most beautiful flower arrangement. It was from my sister Teresa who lives in Canada, the sister who could not make it to the hospital or the funeral.  She and her children are always with us - no matter whatever distance might separate us physically. Her thoughtful gesture of sending these beautiful flowers touched my heart!

I have translated this post into Spanish. The translation is not literal.

He traducido este artículo al español. La traducción no es literal.

Para leer la versión en español, haz click abajo a la izquierda en [Read more]

Events that Shape Our Lives

How many times have you experienced an event in your life that has forever changed your life - an event that was not expected and that takes you by surprise?... a sudden death in the family, an unplanned pregnancy, loss of a job or an accident?

And what about those decisions that you avoid making because of guilt or fear of the unknown? Tough decisions such as quitting a dreadful job, filing for divorce or having an abortion?

We generally think that negative events are out of our control and that difficult decisions can be avoided or delayed indefinitely. On the other hand, we tend to believe that positive and pleasant events are a result of our hard work and discipline... or simply good fortune.

My personal opinion is that the obstacles and challenges we encounter in our lives are what strengthen our mental and spiritual abilities while increasing our level of understanding, forgiveness and compassion. These seemingly negative experiences are actually gifts we are offered in life. But they only become gifts if we are willing to see beyond the pain and sorrow.

This Blog

I decided to start this blog to document my journey in the creation and the writing of my book and script. To be totally honest, I never thought I would be "blogging." It all started with my first blog "The Trevino-Alfieri Story." I wanted to speak up and tell my story. It was amazing how easy it was for me to write the numerous posts in that blog.

My intention in writing this current blog is to help me structure and keep me inspired to finish my book. The title of my book will be the same as this blog, "Who Is Writing Your Story?"

My book will focus on one specific series of related events that has had the greatest impact in my life. Through this book, I will be sharing the transformational process I went through and the increased spiritual awareness I have experienced.

Is it true that what happens to us determines our destiny? 

Or is it the perception or interpretation of those events shaping our lives?