Being Invisible

A couple of days ago I was having brunch with a group of males. We were at a small cafe next to a popular gym in west Hollywood.  Many attractive gym members gather at this spot to eat, chat with friends or simply have a good cup of coffee.

As our group was having a casual conversation about a Halloween party the previous night, I noticed a stunningly beautiful young woman who was siting next to our table. She was not the typical LA beauty. She looked as she could be from Eastern Europe or possibly the Middle East - black hair, medium dark skin.

It was not until she stood up that the men at my table noticed her. She was very tall and slender - probably a model.   "There were so many hot women at this party, I am telling you..." the male next to me shared with the others, "and SHE would have been invisible - totally invisible" referring to this gorgeous girl. Invisible? I thought, "Really? Are you kidding me?" I almost immediately left the conversation and the table claiming I was leaving because I had work to do.

"Nobody is invisible," I stated with conviction, feeling indignant as I shared this incident with my roommate. As a female, I found that comment offensive and disrespectful. What are we to men? Objects? Items that are to be evaluated based on their appearance? If we do not meet some basic standards of "beauty" we become invisible?

For centuries, women's looks have been judged not only by men, but by fellow females.  This is a well-known fact that had never really bothered me. It is normal to gravitate towards beauty. Both males and females do it all the time. When we shop for cars, homes, clothes, jewelry, music, we choose what we find beautiful and most attractive. Why wouldn't we do the same when we pick someone to date or to become our life partner?

But there is something else in that comment that triggers me. And it is not men's objectification of women. It is the crazy notion that the validity of someone's existence could be determined by the perceptions and opinions of others.

We are much more than our physical bodies. In fact, we are not even our physical bodies. Our bodies are just the vessels our souls use to move about in this human world. So how can anyone be judged by the vessel that carries them? It is because we often fail to see beyond physicality.

I remember attending one of the "A Course in Miracles" lectures offered by Marianne Williamson, writer and spiritual teacher. A lady in the audience, a preschool educator, asked how to deal with her young students when they misbehaved and failed to listen. Marianne looked at the lady, paused for a few seconds and then politely asked, "what is your religious background?" "Christian," she replied.  And Marianne said something like this:

"Ten minutes before class starts, look around the classroom as the kids get ready for class. Look at each child. I want you to imagine Jesus embracing the child you are looking at. Really imagine Jesus is right there. Take your time. Do this with every single child. When you are done, you will notice the difference. Each and every child will know that you truly saw them."

I love what Marianne told this lady. We are much more than our physical bodies. We are our souls. When we are truly seen by others, we feel an immediate connection with them and don't have to hide behind the illusion of being our ego or our body. It is as if our bodies become transparent... or, invisible.

So maybe I should not be as upset about my friend's "being invisible" comment. Wouldn't it be wonderful if our bodies disappeared and our souls were fully exposed? We would be able to see one another for what we really are - our essence. We would have no age, color or gender... We would all be equal... We would understand that, in reality, we are ONE!

Connecting Dots

I remember watching the video of the commencement speech that Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University. His message really got to me. He talked about things that happen to us, things that might seem unfortunate. These events are dots, connecting dots, that we don't recognize until we are able to look back.

I also see people as connectors. Just think about how many of your close friends or people who are very dear to you were brought to your life by someone else... maybe by someone with whom you no longer communicate.

The first person I can think of is my ex-husband Dave. He was not particularly a good husband. He was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me and anyone around him. I got an order for protection against him and moved to California to get away from him.  If anyone had told me, "if you marry Dave, you will be divorced in less than 2 years and it will cost you over a quarter million dollars", I would have laughed at that ridiculous statement. Well, that is exactly what happened. Marrying and divorcing this man cost me over $350,000. I lost that money in just two years!!!!

Erica

What did I gain from that relationship???? Most people would say that the relationship was a huge mistake and that I would have been better off not even meeting him. That could not be farther from the truth. The truth is that I met Dave's daughters, Jenna and Erica, back in 2006 and fell in love with them. They became my daughters and friends instantly.

If someone asked me, "if you could change your past and erase Dave from it, would you do so?" My answer would be NO. If the only way to get Jenna and Erica in my life were to go through the painful marriage I experienced, I would do it all over again.  Jenna and Erica are a treasure to me!

I spent this weekend taking Erica's senior pictures. She has certainly grown up! She is not the little ten-year old I met. I remember playing ball in the backyard with her like it was just yesterday - it was seven years ago! It is even easier to spend time with her now that she is older. We can talk about... anything!

What an honor to have these girls in my life. I look forward to seeing them graduate from college, get jobs, become independent, get married and have children.

So, every time you feel like you have invested too much time in a relationship that eventually went nowhere, stop for a minute and reflect on how this relationship connected you to a job opportunity, other people or how it simply brought you more awareness. I can assure you that you always end up gaining more that what you put in... you just have to look back and connect the dots.

What Is the TRUTH?

I was having a conversation with my best friend about the truth, telling the truth, and what it meant. I blurted out, "I never lie." She immediately laughed, not in a mocking way, but she actually thought I was joking. She said, "everybody lies." And I quickly replied, "I don't. I would never tell a lie about a fact. I would always speak with the truth."

This exchange turned into a light-hearted discussion. We talked about situations when people normally lie, even by telling small "variations" of the truth. But then I reinforced my position, "I never lie, "got defensive and ended the conversation by abruptly getting up and leaving the room.

During this conversation I said something that would forever change the way I see the "truth." I said that I would never lie about a fact. I added that a fact is something that can be proven with supporting evidence.


Just like in a courtroom - If someone says that they were at a certain place at a given time, whatever the answer is can be proven true or false. When I stated that I never lied, I actually meant it. I do NOT lie about facts that can be proven with supporting "evidence."

If there is no evidence to contradict what I am saying, I am not telling a lie.... Is this accurate?

What about facts that are based on opinion, preference and beliefs? Can those facts then change every time our opinions, preferences or beliefs shift or vary? Would those facts that were once true become lies for that simple "shift" or variation?  The answer would be, of course not. If I was once a vegetarian and decided to eat meat again would not change the fact that I was indeed a vegetarian. That fact would simply be "transformed."

The same rule applies to opinions and beliefs. Nobody would accuse us of lying if our opinions or beliefs changed from time to time.

And what about simple thoughts? How can anyone have hard proof of what is in somebody else's mind?..... or even their own mind? Nobody would accuse us of lying if we gave our opinion even if it seemed to be untrue. We could be saying, "I love that dress you are wearing," when in fact, we think it is the most hideous piece of clothing we have ever seen in our lives. Are we telling a lie? Are we just simply being polite?

And now let's go a little deeper. We would not accuse ourselves of lying when we give an opinion or statement that is not completely accurate. For example, we might say "yes" to someone's request for help when we really want to say "no." Is this a lie?... or are we just being very kind and generous individuals?

I finally realized that although I pride myself of never lying, I have been lying to myself my whole life:

• Every time I say "yes" when I really mean "no."
• Every time I say "no" when I really want to say "yes."
• Every time I hide my feelings and pretend they are not there.
• Every time I talk myself into a situation that goes against my principles or core values.

Aren't these lies bigger than those facts that can be proven false based on supporting "evidence"?

Having this new awareness has been a great insight for me. I am willing to take an honest look into my own soul. I am committed to living my life being "true" to myself.  Are you willing to the the same?

Striving for Normalcy

nor-mal

Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

The usual, average, or typical state or condition.

Definition found on line [Google]

When I was 6 years old, my mom took me to the dentist because my teeth were coming out crooked. After taking x-rays, we were told that I would need extensive orthodontics. I grew up wearing braces on my teeth. I had braces from age 6 to age 12, a painful surgery and specialized treatment to correct and align my rebellious teeth. Having all that metal in my mouth and the frequent visits to the dentist became quite normal for me.

I remember the day the braces were removed. Although my teeth looked absolutely gorgeous, it felt as if they had been removed along with the braces. I felt "toothless." Having beautiful brace-free teeth did not feel normal to me. It took me a few days to get used to my new smile.

I will confess that I was not fond of the removable retainers (upper and lower) that I was required to wear at night to prevent my teeth from shifting. I only wore them for a couple of years because I would have nightmares everynight. I would dream that I had some pasty cement in my mouth that would start to choke me. I would wake up because I could not breathe. I decided to wear the retainers every other night... then every couple of nights.

I did notice that my teeth would shift during the time that I was not wearing them. The physical pain I experienced every time I wore the retainers was excruciating - as if I was starting my orthodontics treatment all over again. But this time I was getting my teeth from crooked to straight overnight.  The nightmares got even worse preventing me from getting any sleep. Those retainers never felt "normal" to me. I opted to stop wearing them and witnessed as my beautiful straight teeth were slowly shifting and losing their perfect alignment.

For the past 20 years, I have not been happy with my teeth (my lower teeth). I envied everyone who had perfectly straight teeth. I often debated whether I should go through the experience of having something not "normal" in my mouth again. Just two months ago, I decided to get Invisalign to straighten my teeth. When my dentist put in some "buttons" on my teeth to help shift and align, I was physically uncomfortable with them. I could feel their sharpness and was not sure I could become accustomed to them. When I ate, I would find myself biting into my inner cheek or lip. I considered discontinuing the treatment. It was just too uncomfortable!

Surprisingly, just five days later, the buttons and their sharpness miraculously seemed to disappear. Even having the plastic trays became somewhat imperceptible. I could not even feel them anymore.  There was no more discomfort. Having those foreign objects in my mouth became "normal" to me.

Why am I sharing this story? Because it is a great analogy about "normalcy" in our day to day life. When we encounter an uncomfortable situation, we initially react to it. However, we often become accustomed to it. We fail to get out of it because we learn to live with it and consider it normal.

Is it normal to feel a bit angry every day? Is it normal to dislike a job where we spend 50% of our waking hours? Is it normal to "settle for" something far from what we truly desire? Is it normal to end relationships on "bad terms"?

We should first answer the question "What is NORMAL?" As humans we have a tremendous ability to adapt to any situation. Our body adjusts to temperature, to physical pain and to certain levels of stress. Our minds do the same. We can see this as we acquire knowledge and awareness. But, what about our spirit, our soul? How does our soul adapt? Does our soul know the difference between "normal" and unwanted abnormality?

What I believe is that there is not such thing as "normal" or "abnormal" to our soul. Our soul has complete clarity of what is in alignment and resonance with our true self, our true source. And that is where the "truth" resides, in our soul. When we are faced with a situation that challenges our integrity and/or our basic personal safety, our soul sends an immediate message to our body - a sharp pain in our stomach, our chest or other parts of our body.

Many times we fail to pay attention to these signs and choose to listen to our reasoning mind. Our mind will find a way to divert us from centering in our own self where our inner wisdom has all the answers available to us. After all, our mind will tell us, those "gut" feelings are not normal... Are they?

I have made it a practice to listen to my inner wisdom... my soul. I am still learning and working on finding equilibrium of body, mind and soul.  It is literally the continual swinging of both sides of the scale until that balance is achieved. It is the balance between telling the truth and hurting others; being assertive vs being aggressive; listening to my true self vs confusing it with my rambling ego.

I now realize that I do not want to become numb to obstacles that prevent me from moving forward. I do not want them be so normal and usual that I become accustomed and blind to them. What I want "normalcy" to be is that inner peace and balance. And that is what I am striving for in my life.